In the middle of a major breakdown…while attempting to quit smoking…I was trying to hear the voice of God…I wanted to hear “I love you”…Instead i hear the laughter of demons, taunting me…telling me that i am not loved…I am alone, I am forgotten…God is not real…look around…These women have been crying out to him for years…decades…Do you truly believe he’ll come to rescue you?
He has yet to answer their call for help…You are ugly, unwanted, stupid, evil and poor…You are lower than any bit of scum on the earth. When the Officer yelled at me, I snapped…Instantly…I went back to hiding behind the couch…watching my dad scream at my mom and choke her, mercilessly…I tried to isolate myself to prevent this from happening…I tried to free my mind from the demons that held it hostage…I tried to rid myself of the memories of my dead best friend and her brutal murder…
I tried to lift myself out of depression caused by hearing my little sisters call for help…She’s homeless with a 7 year old and a 2 week old baby…She’s also trying to heal from the abuse from her new borns father…I don’t understand…Why do we have to pay for everything we’ve done wrong? Why do we have to pay for the pain that others have caused us? My dad doesn’t have to pay for abusing me, my siblings and my mom…my dad’s sister doesn’t have to pay for molesting me when i was 4 years old…The 2 men that raped me while i was drunk don’t have to pay…The man that raped and sodomized me doesn’t have to pay either…I do. And i continue to lose while paying big.
It doesn’t matter what i do…good or bad. I never win. I keep trying to move forward from the past…Its hard…These Officers are paid to make sure I’m “Safe and secure” but, they only come for one reason and one reason only: To abuse me, continually. I have no room for error, their rules change constantly and each Officer has their “Personal” set of rules…90% of the staff is authoritarian, so even asking them for a basic need angers them…They’ll just start barking commands. Theres nowhere to run, hide or turn…Mental health will only keep telling me I’m “Psychotic”…Im safest in my bed…The very place my soul began to die…The only thing i can do is pray the same prayer I’ve prayed, way before i thought about committing a crime: “Dear Jesus, please take my life…I don’t want to be selfish and take my own life, so please Lord, let me die…Amen”.